There is something radically wrong

I've been re-reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. 

If you've never read it, I highly suggest doing so. 

In the first chapter, Manning describes a generation marked

by an inability to grasp the gospel of grace. He describes a pattern

of behavior that is common to believers in which we first attempt

to work our way toward closeness with God, & then upon failing to 

succeed, confront the painful truth of our inadequacy before a perfect creator.

Once the zeal of attempting to add to our spiritual stature passes, weakness &  

failure appear. Manning describes a "winter of discontent that eventually

flowers into gloom, pessimism, & a subtle despair: subtle because it goes 

unrecognized, unnoticed, & therefore unchallenged."

[Did I mention that Brennan Manning

has a way with words that is captivating? 

Because he does]

All of this talk about works-based spirituality has really got me thinking. 

I am a being driven by performance. Just about everything in my life has

happened as a result of the effort put into whatever outcome was desired. 

I am often enslaved by good intentions, over-commitment, &

an obsession with success. Ultimately, I've watched it ruin me at times & more

recently, I have watched it steal from people I love. 

It's a difficult thing, finding the balance between practicing discipline & disregarding grace.

I worry sometimes that people I truly care about or myself will fall victim

to a life characterized by a "performace addiction:" always seeking the next bigger & better 

thing to come our way. When the result is unfullfilling, which it chronically will be, 

the result, or "winter of discontent" which Manning describes is even more frightening, 

in my opinion, than the symptoms which get us there. I think I'm finally 

understanding the warning that many college grads gave me over & over while 

I was in college. Life really does change once you finish. It is so easily

to fall into a subtle pattern of apathy which grows slowly but

persistently into who we become. 

It really is true that you will become what you are becoming. 

source

The death of a vision.

I've been struggling to write this post for a while now, so I appologize if it lacks direction or substance; it just won't seem to come easily to me, but the idea behind it won't leave me alone.

There have been a handful of times when I've

heard the voice of God. I'm not talking about feeling like
something might have been Him, but rather taking part in a sensory experience in which
I was unwaveringly convinced he was speaking to me.

There is a particular vision I have had twice: Once about a year-
and-a-half ago, and again this past April.

[I hesistate to call it a  vision

because that sounds so

descriptive & controversial in my mind,

but I don't know 

what else to call it.]

The reason I bring this up is not so much about the vision itself,

but more so that under my current circumstances, 

this vision will not come to fruition. In fact, several significant changes

would have to occur in my life for what I "saw" to become true.

I understand that anything is possible, but all signs point to "no" on this one.

Despite knowing that many things separate me from this vision, I have clung

to it until very recently.

No harm in that, right?

Then I read this.
Give it a quick read; this guy is much smarter & more articulate than I am.

Honestly, this idea terrifies me. Why on earth would God 

create something & then let it dissolve? Everything in me wants to say that he wouldn't, 

but it does happen and has happened since the beginning of time.

Sometimes our visions succeed. Sometimes our visions are restored, albeit differently than we originally experienced them. & sometimes visions simply die.
Don't believe me? Here's an example. I guess this all confuses me about God.

The same God who can allow something to perish also solely holds

the power of resurrection; death & life are both in his hands. 

source