A look back: One year later

June 26th, 2012 was the scariest night of my life. 

That day and the days that followed changed me to my core. 

 If you missed the process one year ago, check it out here. 

Or here. 

Today, instead of remembering the fear I felt as I drove
from my neighborhood for what I thought was the last time, my heart is calm.
Instead of remembering the destruction that was left in the ashes, I am reminded of
the beautiful redemption that followed: the new life that is purer now, having been
refined and made new by fire.

"Behold, I am making all things new." 

What sweet truth. 

Life wins.

All things new. 

It might not be the prettiest thing that you'll ever see

...but it's a new day.

It's been raining for hours. Where this rain was 2 weeks ago when 

the entire state was on fire, I'll never know. However, there is rain 

& the earth is starting to look happy again around here. 

I can't help but feel like the rain is symbolic for so much more than

watering the ground. It is the beginning of life for what was just burned

very badly. It is nourishment for what survived, & it is a softening agent

for what has solidified under the heat of the fire. 

I won't lie. This season of life has been more painful

than I could have ever imagined. Some times I just

want to say "enough is enough," & become angry because it 

doesn't seem fair that so much could be lost in such a short period of time.

But all I can hear now & have been hearing for the past 2 months is this:

"Be patient." 

There are so many things
that these 2 words could mean, but at this moment in time,

that's all I'm getting. & I refuse to try to decode what I'm not yet 

ready to understand. So until these 2 words start to make more sense,

I'll take them for face value & wait. 

New Normal.

Yesterday was the closest I've gotten to a normal day in a while.

We officially began getting things at the house worked 

on since our street opened up. 

[we're some of the lucky ones].

I even had a chance to take a run around what was open in our

neighborhood. I couldn't stay long, because it's just too hard to look at. 

I feel like a spectator in my own home- stopping & staring like everyone 

else in awe of the destruction. For a moment I felt like I could look at things & then leave,

but I quickly remembered that this is my reality. There is a rebuilding process that must begin.

 But something about yesterday started to feel almost normal-like it's all
going to be ok.
The things I was distracted from this past week are quickly returning to my mind, some more welcome than others.
We're slowly defining a new normal.

For day-by-day summary of my last week, 

check out Beth's blog. She lives up the street

from me & our stories are very similar. 

Numb.

One week ago, I wrote about the wild fire that was quickly approaching

dangerously close to my family home. In that moment, I did not know of the 

horrifying events I would experience just 2 days later. I did not know that 

I would never return to my neighborhood the way it was when I left it.
I did not know that I would never return to my neighborhood the way I was when I left it.

I did not know that I would live through the scariest night of my 23-year-old life,

& begin to experience a cycle of fear & sadness that would consume me at first,

and then leave me numb after. I did not know that I would spend the next

168 hours in a daze, glued to the television, unable to function on a normal level,

but feeling guilty when I tried. & I certainly did not know that in the midst of such

chaos, I would begin to catch glimpses of the first signs of 

redemption & rebirth while the fire was still burning.

But as I sit down to write this, I am tired.
I am exhausted. All I want to do is process what has happened in the past week,
but I can't yet. & I'm letting that be okay. 

Thoughts on fire.

I remember being younger & answering the question

"If you had to save any items as your house

was burning down, what would you save?" 

Yesterday, I faced this question with alarming reality.
Within hours of hearing of a small fire somewhat near our home,
2 police officers knocked on our door & told us to take what
we could not lose & find a safer place to stay. Within hours,
high schools became shelters, ash was falling from the sky,
& thousands of people left their homes, wondering when
they'd return & what will have changed by then.

It's a terrifyingly beautiful thing, watching the smoke billow

over the hills that I have hiked so many times, &

seeing the embers glow in the nighttime. I have this

strange feeling of helplessness, yet am in complete

awe of the power that is displayed in a wild fire. 

Being thankful & prayerful today is all that can be done.

My family is safe, my friends are safe, & that's all I can ask for.

Our house hasn't been touched yet, & we're hoping for the best.

For more information on the fire, this website

constantly updates the fire spread & evacuation.