[Those] girls.

          I used to think it was kind of crazy when girls did things regarding their future husbands. I had a roommate once who kept a journal that she wrote letters in- each of them addressed to the man she would one day marry. For whatever reason, the idea of that journal freaked me out a little. I had another friend who frequently wrote, altered, and perfected “the list.” The list was made of details, down to eye and hair color, that described her perfect future husband. She fully believed that this list would manifest her perfect man, & if she searched long enough, she would find him. It is not as puzzling to me why that list freaked me out more than a little bit.  Sure, I’ve prayed for him when I’ve thought about it, on occasion. But most of the time I’ve just rolled my eyes & allowed these activities to be left to the crazy girls; the ones so desperate to discover who they’ll end up with that the quest itself leaves them bitter & jaded by any male relationship that does not fulfill the heavy expectations in their hopeful hearts. I’m not saying this cynical view is correct, but it’s what I’ve generally believed.

         Maybe it’s because it’s spring & the save-the-dates on our fridge are multiplying each time I blink, but lately I’ve found my thoughts wandering to who my future husband is- who he will be. I’m not writing any journals or keeping any lists of characteristics, but I do sometimes find myself musing over what that future might look like. Like just about everything else I am cynical toward & then change my mind about, I tell myself, “It’s different when I do it.”  It’s less desperate or weird when I do it, because my motives are pure, I’m just being forward thinking, etc.  For the record, I’m certainly not becoming one of those girls. [If I were to hashtag this statement, it would look something like this: #denial] So maybe I am becoming one of those girls. But either way, It’s kind of fun to wonder who he’ll be. I mostly wonder about harmless things. Things like:

I wonder if he was on Jack Shepard’s side or John Locke’s side [because he must be on one]

I wonder what his dreams & passions are.

I wonder if he’s contemplated what his patronus would be if Hogwarts were real.

I wonder if he ever wrote a journal to me or if he ever made “the list.”

I wonder if he already possesses a love for Arrested Development, or if he’s willing to be converted.

            The nature of these things I am wondering might be an indication in itself that I am

A. Not ready to married

B. Actually more crazy than "those" girls,

but it is fun to think of these things.  At the very least, it helps me realize a hopeful, non-bitter side to the future of relationships.