Being present.

"That's how I want to be. That's who I want to be: deeply present in the present, in the mess, in the waiting, in the entirely imperfect right now." -Shauna Niequist 

It always follows the same pattern: 

I stop writing. It might be because I'm busy. It might be because I'm lazy. 

It might be a little bit of both. For whatever reason, I stop, telling myself

I'll write when I have something good to document. Before I know it, 

it's been a long time, and I find myself under the pressure of writing something

profound. If I wait long enough, my writing turns into the occasional life 

update-so occasional that each post holds the expectation that it must have meaning. 

Each post feels like it needs to be a big moment- a life lesson I'm in the middle of, or

an experience too good to not have written down. The longer I wait the more I realize

that these moments do indeed come, but are overshadowed by the presumption that

they need to be good enough if I'm going to write them down. 

But the truth is, life has settled down into a series of strikingly ordinary moments lately. 

They just don't seem worth writing down when viewed through the lens that each post

must be extraordinary. 

I've meant to blog for a while now. I even have some significant life updates that I want

to write about. But each time I have sat down to do it, I have been at a loss for how to

document the small moments in between. But this morning, I read a timely article that highlighted

some truth about appreciating here & now, regardless of what here & now looks like. 

Here's to being inspired by the beauty in the ordinary days. 

Prayers That Have Changed Me [2]

I am just pages away from finishing my most recent journal. I love the closure that writing on that last page brings & I also love the excitement of starting new in a blank book. Today, both of those things feel pretty good. As I flipped through an old journal today, I came across a Psalm I had written down as a prayer on today's date, one year ago. I didn't realize it then, but I coincidently read the same chapter this morning. It's pretty neat how things work like that. 

"I'm more certain than ever that prayer is at the heart of transformation. I'm also certain that God's will has a lot more to do with inviting us to become more than we previously have been than about getting us to one very specific destination." 

-Shauna Niequist in Bittersweet

Where you started from

I've started 4 different blog posts in the past couple days. 

None of them will finish themselves. They're sitting as drafts, hopefully

not to stay that way, but as of today, that's where I'll leave them. I just can't

seem to find inspiration today. In a break from school work this morning, I 

stumbled upon this article about rediscovering your creativity. It was what I

needed to hear- that we need to start from our first love, what we cherish, 

what we are, what we value. It's long, but give it a read. It's beautifully written & insightful. 

It reminds me that there are days when creativity just isn't there, & that's okay. 

Surprise

I needed to hear this today. Maybe you do, too.

"He was always outstripping his mercies with his own newly invented needs. His very power of enjoyment destroyed half of his joys.  By asking for pleasure, he lost the chief pleasure;

 for the chief pleasure is surprise. 

Hence, it became evident that if a man would make his world large, he must be always making himself small. Even the haughty visions, the tall cities, and the toppling pinnacles are the creations of humility. Giants that tread down forests like grass are the creations of humility. Towers that vanish upwards above the loneliest start the creations of humility. For towers are not tall unless we look up at them; and giants are not giants unless they are larger than we. All this gigantesque imagination, which is, perhaps, the mightiest of the pleasures of man, is at the bottom entirely humble. It is impossible without humility to enjoy anything- even pride."
-G.K. Chesterton, in Orthodoxy
["The Suicide of Thought"]

Letters.

"If it is right, it happens-- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." 
John Steinbeck

Most people who know me know that reading is one of my most

very favorite things to do.  I just love the way that a good author can put 

words together in such a way that it can move me so deeply. 

Following closely to my love for books is my love for letters, notes, 

& all things hand-written. When the two meet, it's almost too much. 

My most recent amazon purchase is this: 

My purchase was a rather hasty one, after stumbling across this letter this morning. 

But I'm positive it was a good one. Read it, you'll see why. 

Letters to the Wounded

" Once, we found a trapped and wounded bird. & when we cupped it close--

it turned toward the light & flew."

This is pretty. 

Read this: Tesla, sexuality, & Wes Anderson

There is a short list of things I love that I

 hope I never come to change my mind about. One of those is learning.

While I've wondered lately why I chose to stay in school, &

threaten to drop out frequently on the verge of a mental breakdown, 

I find myself in moments of clarity remembering that I love to learn.

I have always been this way, & I hope things don't soon change. 

The more I learn, the more I realize I have yet to learn. 

While this overwhelms me at times, it mostly excites me, 

& if I could, I would become an expert on an ever-growing list of topics

ranging from Nikola Tesla to minimalist movie directors & the inspirations 

behind their films. 

But unfortunately for me, I can't.  

At least not while I'm in school. So until then, I get my fix

of trivia, fun facts, & new information from the brilliance of others

who do have the time [& the talent] to report on such things. Here

are a few of my favorite recent blog readings: 

Nikola Tesla. You might not have heard of him, but chances

are you've heard of Thomas Edison. This will blow your mind. 

I love all things Prodigal Magazine. This article on current perceptions

of sexuality is excellently done. After working as a campus director here in undergrad, 

I have a special place in my heart for this topic, particularly as it relates to my generation.

Wes Anderson. I love the way this article was written almost

as much as I love Wes Anderson's films. [& that's saying a lot.]

Call me Jacob.

It's Christmas Eve. It has just started to snow, & as it blankets

the earth, creating a white Christmas here in Colorado, I feel peace settling over

my heart on this night. It hasn't felt this way for the majority of this year, 

& I am thankful that as this month comes to a close, I am able to watch

things change around me & within me. I've been thinking recently about

writing a year-end review, & I still intend to, but I came across an article

that I found extremely relevant at this time in my life. It's well-written, & 

a beautiful, honest account of what it looks like to be real with God. 

It's one of those things that I wish I could have articulated myself, but

was unable to find the words for: 

[Call me Jacob]

Symmetry

"I love God's symmetry of trouble & mercy."

Troubles for every day;

 mercies for every morning."

[Matt. 6:34 & Lam. 3:23]

-John Piper

Thin Times.

The ancient Celts had a term they used to describe places where individuals found themselves inspired, eternally connected, and impossibly close to heaven, while here on earth. These places, called "thin places," are often sacred ones, but they need not be. In fact, a thin place for one person can be a remarkably lifeless place for another. The only criteria which makes a place thin is the peculiar emotional and spiritual freedom that it evokes in a person. It is a place which allows us to unclench our grip of control on our lives & breathe in the presence of God. In thin places, His presence is palpable. 

I first heard of thin places in a book I'm currently reading. If I sit down & think of where  I've felt closest to God- not spiritually close, but tangibly reach-out-and-touch-him-close- I can think of a handful of places where I've felt transformed. Eagle Lake Camp is one of them. It might have something to do with the physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, & emotional depletion I experienced there, but with all of these things removed, I still think there's something magically thin about this property. In addition, I've experienced thin places in coffee shops, airports, and mountain tops. 

This idea of thin places got me thinking less about the places & more of the times, seasons of life & moments in time that felt thin. If there is such a thing as thin places, there must be such a thing as a "thin time." My current season of life is one filled with opportunity. Choosing to move for school is one of the most conscious decisions I've ever made. Up until now I've simply followed the next step that comes naturally. I have what feels like an infinite number of options for what's next in my life, & I am leaving & have left so much of my heart behind. But what's been most remarkable in this season of life is the closeness I feel with God. I know it's fairly common for people to find God in the broken seasons, the moments of despair & fear, but I've never felt it to this degree. There's something beautifully unmasking in "thin times." Just like those places that make you momentarily transcend the gap between heaven & earth, I am finding that times of unwanted growth & pain to reveal something within our design- our most genuine selves. It's a good thing.   

Reading list

The longer I spend on this "spring break" 

the more I am learning to appreciate the 

little things that this free time has provided

opportunity for. Lately, my obsession has been

reading. Today I got to thinking about why I 

enjoy it so much. I'm not sure if it's

my love for creativity & how a 

good book can manipulate my mind,

or if it serves as a brief escape 

from the constant thoughts in my head. 

Either way, I love it and I want to consider myself lucky 

for having the freedom to read whenever I want.

2012 Reading list so far:

The Princess & The Goblin: George MacDonald

Kite Runner: Khaled Hosseini

Hunger Games: Suzanne Collins

Just After Sunset: Stephen King

Tales of Horror and Fantasy: Rudyard Kipling

House of Leaves: Mark Danielewski

Room: Emma Donoghue

Love & Respect: Emerson Eggerichs

Outliers: Malcolm Gladwell

First Things First: Stephen Covey