Being present.

"That's how I want to be. That's who I want to be: deeply present in the present, in the mess, in the waiting, in the entirely imperfect right now." -Shauna Niequist 

It always follows the same pattern: 

I stop writing. It might be because I'm busy. It might be because I'm lazy. 

It might be a little bit of both. For whatever reason, I stop, telling myself

I'll write when I have something good to document. Before I know it, 

it's been a long time, and I find myself under the pressure of writing something

profound. If I wait long enough, my writing turns into the occasional life 

update-so occasional that each post holds the expectation that it must have meaning. 

Each post feels like it needs to be a big moment- a life lesson I'm in the middle of, or

an experience too good to not have written down. The longer I wait the more I realize

that these moments do indeed come, but are overshadowed by the presumption that

they need to be good enough if I'm going to write them down. 

But the truth is, life has settled down into a series of strikingly ordinary moments lately. 

They just don't seem worth writing down when viewed through the lens that each post

must be extraordinary. 

I've meant to blog for a while now. I even have some significant life updates that I want

to write about. But each time I have sat down to do it, I have been at a loss for how to

document the small moments in between. But this morning, I read a timely article that highlighted

some truth about appreciating here & now, regardless of what here & now looks like. 

Here's to being inspired by the beauty in the ordinary days. 

Strengths Finder

The past few weeks have been spent galavanting across the country between Colorado & Florida. It's been great, but I am happy to admit that it feels good to be back in Nashville. I've already spent an afternoon on my favorite porch in the company of good friends & I am excited for the prospects that this summer will bring in this city that I am growing to love. While I haven't done much of anything productive in my last few weeks on break from school, I completed my first assignment for my management & leadership class this summer. I took the strengths finder  to determine how we will work in groups for the collaborate assignments we will complete in school. Those who know me know that anything that seeks to decode the intricacies of human behavior, interaction, & functioning is very interesting to me, so I loved every minute of it. 

Between Myers-Briggs, love languages, and this strengths finder,

[all of which I looked at this week]

I'd say I've had a decent amount of time to reflect on who I am & who my friends are. 

I love it. It almost freaked me out how spot on it was.

Here's my top profile: 

Input

 Chances are good that you absorb all sorts of information from books, publications, or other written

materials. You display a voracious — that is, never fully satisfied — appetite for knowledge. You

devour the written word to savor useful facts. For you, a great day is one during which you have

added new insights to your mind’s storehouse of ideas. Driven by your talents, you acquire lots of new

words from your reading. Examining how each one is used in various sentences probably helps you

grasp multiple meanings. When the definition eludes you, you are apt to turn to the dictionary for

clarification. Your passion for the written word is not reserved for entertainment. You probably are as

eager to dive into complicated, technical, or subject-specific texts as you are to pick up best-selling

books or popular publications. It’s very likely that you simply cannot have too much information. It is

impossible. Like a miner searches for gold day after day, you continually collect new bits of

knowledge. Depending on your other talents, you can delve into one or two interesting topics, or you

can opt to know a little about a wide range of subjects. Your longing for knowledge is unlikely to be

satisfied until you are recognized by others as the ultimate expert in a field or the grand champion of

trivia. Instinctively, you find it easier to befriend people when they tell you what they want to

accomplish. Knowing that much, you probably read books, journals, newspapers, correspondence, or

Internet sites to broaden your knowledge about their interests. When you can share information that

helps people move closer to their goals, you understand each other better. By nature, you fill your

mind with new ideas by asking questions, reading, studying, observing, or listening. Normally, you

accumulate facts, data, stories, examples, or background information from the people you meet.

Determining what they want to accomplish in the coming weeks, months, or years generally satisfies

your curiosity. These insights also allow you to understand why individuals behave they way they do

in different situations.

2. Intellection
3. Empathy
4. Learner
5. Ideation

Blog lovin'

Well, it was only a matter of time before I decided to connect this little page to the world of other people who also have the same hobby of writing their thoughts for the world to see.
[I have no idea what I'm doing...] But you can follow me here:

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

The rebirth of a vision

Back in August, I wrote this. To date, that entry was one of the hardest I've ever written.

Not only was the actual writing part hard for me, but realizing that something

I knew God had given me was left to die just plain hurt.  Writing that post was humbling at best, & even as I allowed the words to be typed by my fingers, I refused to fully believe that what I was writing was true. Looking back now, I think I was just too stubborn to admit that the plan I was constructing for my life might not have been the best, right one. I remember telling my friend about a vision I had regarding my future. He said, "The only way to know that a prophecy is true is if it comes to be. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you'll make yourself crazy unless you fully surrender it & be patient."I didn't realize it then, but that was the beginning of a long, tiresome battle of learning to wait. I'm fairly certain it's a lesson I'll be learning most of my life. 

Despite the wisdom I was receiving at the time, I wrote that blog post, but simultaneously kept my heart hardened. It did feel good to admit, in some sense, that I had been wrong, kind of how it ultimately feels good to apologize & tell someone that you're sorry. It's a painful kind of good, the relief you feel once you recognize that you aren't in control. However, I think I held onto hope that ultimately my plan, my vision, my idea of my future would prevail. 

That blog post inspired conversation with a few different people. 

I received emails, texts, and a couple messages about how I was not alone in the process 

of realizing that sometimes, visions just die. I was told stories of heartbreak & triumph, 

the birth of passions, & the dissolving of dreams. Suddenly, my

struggle to surrender to a bigger plan didn't leave me feeling so alone. Again, this was

the beginning of a much bigger lesson I'd take with me for the next season of life. 

For the first time, I realized that people actually read this thing. 

That was both exciting & terrifying to know.

Sometime between August and now, I finally surrendered that vision. 

I realized that there is a season for everything in life & a time for all things. 

But as I sat at a coffee shop Thursday morning, I realized that the entirety of the plan

I had for myself wasn't untrue at all. Sure, the details of where I thought I'd be on this day

are much different than I envisioned them when I first gained that glimpse of my future. 

But Thursday, I saw the redemption of the heart of that vision: that my future was promising

& exciting & so different from what I originally thought, but so equally beautiful.

 There was life to be found in that old vision, albeit the details had changed.
It was a beautiful realization to see all of that come full circle. 

It was like I was realizing, for the first time that death is never permanent. 

It always give birth to new life. Life always wins. 

Beauty in the Ugly.

       

When I was in high school, I got really into listening to Sufjan Stevens. 

His song, "John Wayne Gacy Jr." always haunted me a little bit, but for some reason, 

I was strangely struck by its beauty. I guess I appreciated Sufjan's literary approach & bravery in writing about such a monstrous human being, & I guess I appreciated the overlap of two of my

loves: music & learning. I was taking abnormal psychology at the local university at the time. 

I remember learning about John Wayne Gacy Jr. in class, & then listening to this song on the way home- each time attempting to understand why a story so ugly could sound so beautiful to my ears.

       Much like everyone else, I spent today reading everything I could about what was happening in Boston. As the story unfolded, I felt helpless, sad, & somewhat sick thinking about everything. I hate that our world is so broken. I hate that people are so messed up that they can intentionally harm each other. I hate that I don't understand it. As I headed to a concert with some friends, we discussed the most recent unfolding of events. By this point, 2 people had been killed, many were injured, 1 suspect was dead, & the other was in custody. One friend said, "I really hope they don't kill him." I agreed, realizing later that I wasn't entirely sure what he meant by it. I didn't know if he meant that this man deserved something worse than that or if he genuinely didn't want another death to result from the death that already existed. I understood & hoped for the latter.  I found myself thinking about it off & on for the rest of the show.

        Tonight, I came home to an empty apartment, & for the first time in a while, I remembered that song. I have no idea why it came up, but almost instantly, my eyes filled with tears, & the final verse repeated through my mind. At the end of the song, Sufjan literally compares himself to the man who killed 33 teenaged boys, by saying, 

"& in my best behavior, I am really just like him. 

Look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid." 

It's a pretty freaking creepy verse. 

But as I think about what has happened in Boston this week, & how I should

react, I am struck by the gravity of those words. I am by no way trying to 

condone the heinous acts of a serial killer or make light of what happened this week.

Clearly both have made a rather momentous impression on me. But it got me thinking if

I believe those words. Do I believe that sin is sin & I am capable of such horrific acts as

much as the next person? Do I believe that the same redemption that was washed me

clean is available to someone who's actions have such destructive, far-reaching effects?

Do I believe that there is beauty to be seen in the ugliest thing imaginable? 

I desperately want to believe these things. I claim to believe them in the calmness of

life, but I am really tested when I react to events like this- Events that break

my heart a little bit & expose the true me, which, I am scared to admit, sometimes

looks a lot like the things I claim to hate. I guess it's times like these that make me
thankful that I don't really have to understand much else besides the power of light to overcome
darkness. All I know is that darkness is darkness, & light has the power to overcome
all of it, if given the chance. 

-Laura

Summer Dreaming

“We are music makers, and we are dreamers of dreams.”

–Roald Dahl

            A few weeks ago, with the shifting of the weather and my sights set on the faint glimmer of summer’s arrival, I felt something stir deep in my soul. Each time I sat down to chip away at my to-do list, my mind wandered. It started slowly at first, but what began as a few simple daydreams soon turned into something I couldn’t stop thinking about.  My mind wandered to warm nights on porches, fireflies over fields, and hammocks strung between trees. It seemed like every time I allowed it to, my mind wanted to dream.  So I let it.  This weekend I finally sat down & channeled the dreams into something tangible. It came onto paper in the form of a bucket list. While I was once worried about my first summer in Nashville, I am excited for the prospect of a southern summer in a city I am quickly growing to love. The list is a work in progress. There are items that are failed attempts at past bucket lists which embody desires I’ve had for years, items that are iconic Nashville “must-do” events, and some that are just fun lines from sentimental country songs, that if I am completely honest, I really hope get crossed off.  Here are a few highlights:

One: Join the East Nasty Running Club: 

            I haven’t really mentioned it before, but on April 27^th I am running the St. Jude Music City Half Marathon. Throughout this semester, I have enjoyed training for this race with some of my favorite friends who also happen to be classmates. I am fascinated by the fact that I can (fairly) painlessly get my body to run 13.1 miles. Once the race is over, I want to continue what I’ve started, & the The East Nasty Running Club seems like the perfect way to do this. For my Fort Collins friends, East Nashville reminds me SO much of The Fort. Running through it is good for my heart in more than one way.

Two: Become a share holder with a local farm:

            I’ve had a long-standing vision of being a backyard chicken and vegetable farmer. Maybe it’s been instilled in my small town, Colorado soul, but I dream about walking into my back yard to collect eggs and fresh veggies each morning. The problem with now is I live in an apartment, in the city, & while I did entertain the thought of it here for a brief minute or so, doing this myself just isn’t going to fly. The good news is, I can reap the benefits of local farming, without doing it myself through community shared agriculture. Think what you might about the type of person who participates in a CSA, [& you’re probably correct] but this stuff is cool.

Here are the ones I’m checking out: Green Door Gourmet & Real Food Farms

Three: Watch the sunrise from Café Coco’s porch:

            It’s officially patio-sitting weather here in Nashville.  This place is open 24 hours & I have fallen in love with the people-watching, the vanilla Italian cream sodas, and strangely enough, the frequently failing internet that forces me to stop working for a bit to chat with my neighbors. I am excited for the conversations to be had on this porch.

Here’s to dreaming. 

-Laura

Reflections on a Year of Growth

“Rejoice, my heart. You’ve been made whole by a love that will not let you go.”

        Just hours before I found myself sobbing in his passenger seat, I had clicked “publish” to my most recent blog post titled,  “1095 days.” The irony in the documentation of our third anniversary on the day he broke up with me stole the breath from my lungs, but seemed eerily conclusive at the same time. For a moment, I almost appreciated how on-schedule things had come full circle. In that moment, I saw our entire relationship-- from the moment he bravely grabbed my hand, 1095 days before, to this conversation in his passenger seat-- flash before me. Despite knowing in my deepest heart that our expiration date had arrived, I remember thinking, “If he were to propose in this very moment, my answer would be ‘yes’.” I knew nothing about how much could change in a year.

            The following days were a blur of crying-induced migraines followed by emotional numbness. I didn’t know it then, but the numbness would stay with me for a while. For the first time in my life, I was afraid to be alone & I found every excuse to be in a room full of strangers as often as possible. I avoided anyone who knew me, [who knew us] because tangled within my broken heart lived the fear that verbalizing our break-up validated its reality. Denial seeped into my bones,  & immediately, I began preparing for restoration. For 3 weeks, I waited for his call. I waited for his realization that letting me go was the biggest mistake he’d ever made, & I waited for God to just answer what I asked of him: Why wouldn’t he just fix things? I knew nothing about how much could change in a year.

        I spent the next 8 months floundering in and out of frustration with my heart’s inability to heal, & if I’m really honest, still waiting for that call.  I dreamt of him every night for weeks at a time, and I feared each morning that followed because it brought the perpetual discovery that brokenness was my reality. Each day felt like the rebirth of sadness, devoid of healing. My heart ached like it never had before. I knew nothing about how much could change in a year.

-----

Here I am, a year later. For the first time in 4 years, I watched April 8^th pass without any significant value besides the fact that the weather here in Nashville was the most beautiful it’s been in quite some time. The year that has passed since I sat in his passenger seat for the last time has been so different than I ever imagined. I dreaded this day for so long. While there were countless moments of peace and understanding, there were also moments when I genuinely believed I wouldn't know happiness again. But as each day passed, I slowly rebuilt my life without him, finding sincere joy in the process. I discovered the miraculous beauty of being honest with myself & others, and I began to taste the sweetness of redemption in a way I've never known before. I will forever remember this year as a time when I learned true surrender, deep healing, & the freedom of a foundational trust in the direction of my life by a loving, gentle God. I felt what I never thought I'd feel: This chapter is over, & it's good.

On this day,  I have more to be thankful for than I ever thought possible. As I reflect on the past year, I can truthfully say that I am falling in love with the day-to-day journey I am on.

 I know much about what can change in a year.

-Laura

My week in pictures [3]

This week's picture recap is a couple days late because:

a. School is destroying my free time

b. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown

c. I'm a bit lazy when it comes to blogging

d. all of the above. 

Once again, this week was full of lots of pictures of things I love

from people I love. The influx of picture texts has officially leveled

out & only the most dedicated of participants remain in the quest for top 4. 

Who needs a theme when your dad sends you updated airport selfies? 

I don't. Here they are, complete with said selfie & of course, my favorite

big-eared animal:

Clockwise from top left:

1. Friday night listening to good music & meeting new friends. 

Despite my demon-possessed eyes, this was a fun night. 

2. Snow day from our front yard. Can't wait to be there in a week.

3. As promised, another pic from dad. Selfies in airports. We both take them:

4. Bellatrix just moved to Vegas this week. This is her excited face. 

Happy Thursday. 

Defeating the Sunday Blues.

Just about every week, despite the relaxation & fun that I take part in

over the weekend, I find myself heavy hearted & often overwhelmed by the 

prospects of the coming week. It begins as early as Saturday night on

particularly busy weeks, & I am often awakened by thoughts

of what I've got to do swirling through my head early Sunday morning.

No matter what I tell myself about how I've worked hard to prepare

myself for the day of rest that Sunday should be, I can't seem

to grasp it. Hours slip by as I stare at my computer screen of notes,

 word documents, weekly planner & text books. Before I know it, 

I'm dreading the idea of sleep because I know it'll bring me closer

to the work I've got to do during the week. 

Today, my version of the "Sunday Blues" wasn't particularly

strong. The assignments, commitments, & plans of the coming 

week pressed on my mind as they always seem to do, 

but for the first time in a while, I was more hopeful than anxious

about the coming days. I felt comforted in the now, & for 

someone who is characterized by living in the future, this

is a big deal. 

"Instead of trying to direct me to do this & that, seek to attune 

yourself to what I am already doing. When anxiety attempts to

wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your

shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of you." -Jesus Calling

Here's to Sunday reminders that leave you filled with hope. 

Settled.

 Something unsettling inside me seems to appear this time of year.

I get antsy for newness, just when the dust begins to settle from whatever change I just experienced. The new year is not only here, but is moving ever so
quickly, as all years seem to do.
I'm settled back into Nashville.
I am just weeks away from this semester's half-way mark.
All I can think of is "what's next?" 

It gets exhausting living in those two words.
Weeks like the one I just had & the one before me don't allow
for me to look that far ahead. In fact, sometimes it seems like
I am unable to settle into a single hour of each day-I just pass through
each one without a notice of what those moments offer me.

This is what I need to hear today:

[I'm letting that settle in my heart today.]

What I'm listening to.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be concerned about my

apathy about certain things. Its the Super Bowl today

& all I can think about is how excited I am that coffee shops

are probably super empty so I can get homework done 

without a crowd. I had the thought this morning that maybe 

I should care about football more, but then I realized that I 

have enough obsessions, & it's probably a good thing that sports

are not one of them. With that said, music is one of my obsessions, 

& I have been listening to lots of good stuff lately that is all new to me. 

Enjoy. 

This week in pictures

I've been sick again. [shocking.] I realized

a couple weeks ago that I receive a lot of picture message via text. 

I thought it would be fun to keep a collected of my favorite

ones. This week's theme? 

Mountain life & puppies. 

Not sure if there is anything better in the world than those 2 things. 

Clockwise from top left.

1. My favorite niece-dog, Bellatrix. Her ears kill me. [Harry Potter namesake ftw!]

2. My backyard, sent from Dad. Luckily, I get one of these almost every day. 

3. My favorite stuffed animal look-alike Tomalo.

4. A herd of deer hanging out near our house. I think this one was

sent to rub in the warm CO weather. 

Happy Tuesday. 

A letter in my mailbox.

I don't generally struggle with the idea that my prayers

might be falling on deaf ears. In fact, I honestly believe that faith

has become one of my stronger gifts throughout the last couple years.

I have had very real experiences in my life in which prayer has been 

answered. Not by coincidence, not by chance.

But for whatever reason, I've really struggled lately accepting the truth

that He not only hears me, but he acts on what He hears. It seems

I've been a broken record with my prayers for almost a year now. Just typing that 

sentence makes me feel a bit foolish- I know that some people spend 

their entire lives repeating the same prayers, never to see the answer 

in their lifetime. But it's still how I feel.

I think of Joshua and how he asked God to

keep the sun from setting & God did. & I think, surely God could

just change things if he wanted to. So why doesn't he? Questions

like this do sometimes keep me awake at night, but I'm getting better

at seeing answered prayers in ways I am not expecting. 

Yesterday, I experienced one of those moments in which I 

was just certain that I'm being heard. It came in the form of 

a letter in my mailbox. Pretty much everything about

 the letter- the sender, the topic, the timing-

made me realize that God is moving in my life. 

I desperately want to hold onto these moments.  

Now.

I've been thinking a lot about how cool it is to be in a season of life

where I have very little holding me down. Sometimes I think about 

how just 3 months ago, I was living in Colorado, about to move

1,200 miles away. Now I'm here & it's great & all I can think about is where 

I'll be for my residency, because there are so many places I want to visit.

[spoiler alert: it's Austin, TX. More on that later.]

But in the midst of my excitement for the future, I've realized that 

I am often robbed of each day's joy because of my anticipation of what's next.

So this is now: 

I am almost done with my first semester of graduate school.

I've found friends & a church that I love.

I live in a beautiful city, in a huge apartment, in a cute room.

I have the best roommates I could ask for.

It's almost November, and I still get to run outside in a tank top.

I am so very thankful for it all.