Prayers That Have Changed Me [2]

I am just pages away from finishing my most recent journal. I love the closure that writing on that last page brings & I also love the excitement of starting new in a blank book. Today, both of those things feel pretty good. As I flipped through an old journal today, I came across a Psalm I had written down as a prayer on today's date, one year ago. I didn't realize it then, but I coincidently read the same chapter this morning. It's pretty neat how things work like that. 

"I'm more certain than ever that prayer is at the heart of transformation. I'm also certain that God's will has a lot more to do with inviting us to become more than we previously have been than about getting us to one very specific destination." 

-Shauna Niequist in Bittersweet

Where you started from

I've started 4 different blog posts in the past couple days. 

None of them will finish themselves. They're sitting as drafts, hopefully

not to stay that way, but as of today, that's where I'll leave them. I just can't

seem to find inspiration today. In a break from school work this morning, I 

stumbled upon this article about rediscovering your creativity. It was what I

needed to hear- that we need to start from our first love, what we cherish, 

what we are, what we value. It's long, but give it a read. It's beautifully written & insightful. 

It reminds me that there are days when creativity just isn't there, & that's okay. 

Surprise

I needed to hear this today. Maybe you do, too.

"He was always outstripping his mercies with his own newly invented needs. His very power of enjoyment destroyed half of his joys.  By asking for pleasure, he lost the chief pleasure;

 for the chief pleasure is surprise. 

Hence, it became evident that if a man would make his world large, he must be always making himself small. Even the haughty visions, the tall cities, and the toppling pinnacles are the creations of humility. Giants that tread down forests like grass are the creations of humility. Towers that vanish upwards above the loneliest start the creations of humility. For towers are not tall unless we look up at them; and giants are not giants unless they are larger than we. All this gigantesque imagination, which is, perhaps, the mightiest of the pleasures of man, is at the bottom entirely humble. It is impossible without humility to enjoy anything- even pride."
-G.K. Chesterton, in Orthodoxy
["The Suicide of Thought"]

The Non-Competition Curse

Recently, I read a quote by Donald Miller that got me thinking. He said,

"I'm noticing that my less competitive friends accomplish so much less than I do & are so much more content."

----

I thought about these words frequently during the past 2 weeks as I finished projects, typed papers, studied all night for exams, and prepared to finish my second semester of graduate school. In the world of academia, I often struggle to separate myself from the rat race that is academic success. In my heart of hearts, I desire learning over grades, but the system doesn't function that way & I fall into the trap semester after semester despite knowing that it isn't right. It seems like everything about how the world works points to a fundamental truth that success comes to those who work hard enough. The harder we work, the more we gain, & those who get to the top get there through dedication & effort. Basically, if you have enough desire, you'll fight hard enough, & if you fight hard enough, you'll win. 

 I've also thought about that quote in regard to other aspects of my life. Apart from academia, I've always been a little bit frustrated by my lack of competitive spirit. I've often felt torn between this idea of working hard for what I want, yet being patient & allowing myself to receive what God has for me. When I look at my life, I see seasons of passivity sprinkled with dedication which turned into an obsession to get what I wanted. I've learned the hard way that accomplishing things in my own time leads to more destruction than success. Manipulation is a corrosive trait, & the fight for control is one that I have battled most of my life.  Surrender is such a simple word, but such a difficult concept to grasp. 

It all makes me wonder. How hard do you work for what you want? For academic success? For relational success? Is it okay to not want to fight for something that isn't yours to fight for? I fully believe that God has the ability to transform & awaken my desires. I've watched him do it in my life. But I've found that the most receptive position to receive is with an open hand. & competition, in the right contexts, can look a whole lot like a closed one. It makes me think that Donald Miller

might have had something when he equated contentment to freedom from competition. 

Mental Health & Brokenness

“There are some who take anti-depressants and communion and there are those who think both are a crutch.” –Ann Voskamp

Last Saturday, upon hearing the news that Rick Warren’s son had committed suicide after a long battle with depression and mental illness, my heart broke.  My heart broke for his family & those who knew him well, & my heart broke for the realization of depravity, that death always seems to reveal. Despite our efforts to recognize the beauty that can result after it is over, death is never a pretty thing.

Humans weren’t meant to suffer.

Humans weren’t meant to take their own lives.

Humans weren’t meant to die.

           But as it often does, heartbreak reveals the disintegration of what was meant to be.  Hearts weren’t meant to break. But they do, & their brokenness mirrors a broken world that will continue to break, aching to be redeemed. On Saturday, I found myself painfully aware of my desire for redemption here. I wanted it now.

          When I chose to pursue occupational therapy, I knew that mental health would be a world I would become submersed in. Despite my habituation to the topic, hearing about these tragedies never gets easier for me. & I hope it never does.  As I first sat down to write this post, I wanted to talk about the broader scope of public opinion behind mental health. But after reading comment after comment about how this man’s death could have and should have been prevented-most lacking a shred of compassion or understanding for the complexity behind depression & mental illness- I changed my mind. I couldn’t handle the stigmas I found, the ignorance, or the lack of sensitivity for such a painful subject. My cynicism didn’t need the fuel. Instead, I found myself thinking about the bigger picture. Not everybody is depressed. Not everybody wants to take his or her own life. But everybody is broken.

He is.

I am.

You are.

Thoughts like this keep me up at night, but thankfully, that is not the end of the story.  All week, I’ve been thinking about the conclusion that is yet to come—the redemption that I feel my heart longing for, where there is no more death, longing, or pain.  My heart aches for it now, but I can rest in the promise that it is coming. 

“Light pried through the dark. A shaft came through the window like a lifeline.  & The birds sang, & we heard them.” 

Confronting the Lie

Two posts in one day. Sometimes I come across an article that I simply have to share.

This one discusses hardship [as most of the articles I've come across & related to recently have.]

It is beautifully honest & full of truth-

two things I deeply desire to be. 

Whether you are in a season that is difficult & dry, 

or one of fruitfulness & joy, this is a good reminder. 

Check this out. 

Letters to the Wounded

" Once, we found a trapped and wounded bird. & when we cupped it close--

it turned toward the light & flew."

This is pretty. 

Answers.

Have you ever asked for something you didn't receive? 

If you've kept up with my blog for any amount of time this past year,

you'll know that I have. As I've watched this past year pass by, 

I can't help but mark the time by a series of prayers-

some answered and many left unanswered. 

It's a frightening thing to seek God in the intricacies of your heart-

the deep waters of anxiety & fear about the issues that matter most. 

At times it is downright frustrating, especially when it seems like the prayers

are going nowhere, dissolving into the air as quickly as they're spoken, never to be

received by the one they're meant to reach. 

I recently read an article in Relevant Magazine, 

that discusses this very issue. I found it comforting that I am not alone

in my quest to hear answers from God. It's well written and just what I needed to hear.

Check it out here. 

Settled.

 Something unsettling inside me seems to appear this time of year.

I get antsy for newness, just when the dust begins to settle from whatever change I just experienced. The new year is not only here, but is moving ever so
quickly, as all years seem to do.
I'm settled back into Nashville.
I am just weeks away from this semester's half-way mark.
All I can think of is "what's next?" 

It gets exhausting living in those two words.
Weeks like the one I just had & the one before me don't allow
for me to look that far ahead. In fact, sometimes it seems like
I am unable to settle into a single hour of each day-I just pass through
each one without a notice of what those moments offer me.

This is what I need to hear today:

[I'm letting that settle in my heart today.]

Rejoice, my heart.

There is something about hymns that really speak to my heart.

Sometimes I can't believe that words written centuries ago have

such truth & meaning so many years later. I can't believe that the

time between then & now hasn't stripped the relevance from the 

verses; that the deepest longings of the writer's hearts are the same 

as mine. Words like: 

O love that will not let me go, 

I rest my weary soul in thee;

I give thee back the life I owe

that in your ocean depths 

its flow may richer, fuller be. 

I've had this song on my mind for a few days now. The words

have been speaking to me, as I've sure they've spoken to countless

others before me. I love that idea.

So rejoice, my heart.

Rejoice, my soul; my savior God has come to thee. 

Rejoice my heart, you've been made whole

by a love that will not let me go. 

metamorphosis.

I listened to a podcast tonight on trusting God, by Jerry Bridges.
He describes a moth breaking out of a cocoon as a metaphor for experiencing adversity:

A moth struggles, as it goes through the metamorphosis process,

to break free from the cocoon it has lived in for a time.

As someone watches, he decides to lift the moth

and cut open the cocoon so as to spare the creature from

the tiresome struggle of ripping through the fibrous enclosure.

He does not understand that this is a God-ordained struggle

with a purpose behind it. 

The moth emerges easily from the cocoon, 

free of the struggle, but doomed never to fly. 

You see, it's it's the struggle that allows the caterpillar to become a moth.

As the moth works toward breaking through the pouch it sits in,

it's body physiologically responds, allowing the correct enzymes 

to be produced & circulating, as well as the strength to be built to use its wings. 

It is impossible for that moth to fly apart from the struggle to break from the cocoon.

Today I am thankful for this: 

No struggle is purposeless. 

Symmetry

"I love God's symmetry of trouble & mercy."

Troubles for every day;

 mercies for every morning."

[Matt. 6:34 & Lam. 3:23]

-John Piper

I am a tree in a story about a forest.

Sometimes I think I'm a tree in a story

about a tree. 

[I'm not.]

"...& he said to me that I am a tree

 in a story about a forest, 

& it is arrogant of me to believe any differently. 

He told me that 

the story of the forest 

is better than the story of the tree. "

-Donald Miller 

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. 

Bittersweet.

"When life is sweet, say 'thank you,' and celebrate.

When life is bitter, say 'thank you,' and grow."

-Shauna Niequist from Bittersweet: Thoughts on

Grace, Change, & Learning the Hard way.

Words

I thought this was worth sharing. I've had the chance to

talk to a lot of women lately about dating/marriage/& being single.

At the Love & Respect conference I attended this past weekend,

I gained a lot of insight as to what marriage should look like. 

[This ministry is great, by the way.] One of the things that resonated 

most strongly for me was what Emerson said about growth & having

your heart changed. He said, "Don't focus so much on what you

want the other person to be hearing or learning that you miss out

on what God is trying to have you hear or learn." I've

realized that this is exactly what I've been doing. I pray so 

much for God to speak to him; to grow his heart closer

to His. All the while I miss out on my own potential for change.

There's nothing wrong with praying for another person, but I

have to trust that God has the power to get through anyone's heart.

Including my own. 

thoughts

"I believe God can handle my heart, my questions, my sadness, & my anger. It's okay to be angry & sad. The question is, what do I do with it all? What do I do with God? In the midst of such heartbreak, do I really believe that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose? The answer comes at a great cost. It can be agonizing to see God work through tears, but I am experiencing the kindness, sweetness, faithfulness, & redemptive heart of God. " 

-Mary Beth Chapman.

source

baby steps

"...& what we will be has not yet appeared..." -1 John 3:2

Today I began taking the very first steps of
healing my heart. When I say steps, I mean
baby steps. Like the tiny, wobbly,
one-step-in-front-of-the-other-and-fall-down
kind of steps. But forward motion is forward
motion and I will consider this successful.

[  I'm kind of amazed by my inability 

to go too much into detail yet-even here

on a blog that only a handful of people see.

Maybe it's because I feel like typing out the

words will make what I'm experiencing 

more real. Like if I don't write it down, it

didn't actually happen & one day I'll 

wake up & find that this has all been a 

bad dream.  ]

Step one to healing: 

Identifying who God is. I mean really identifying who he is.

Finding the truth about his character & allowing it to 

permeate my heart. 

I'm excited for what I'm going to discover in this process.

source

Step by step.

I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold my hand in trusting dependence, letting me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy-even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting my promises to care for you. Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in my presence, trusting me to open up the way before you as you go. 

-Jesus Calling

[I finally have the internet again, after a week. A real update will come later.]

Truth.