What Might Have Been [Part 2]

          Every once in a while, I experience an epiphany that I've already had before. They are the same thoughts twice, & the only difference between the two is the recognition that I have changed between the first and second occurrences. This morning, as I sat in church, I had an overwhelming realization that this was happening. For almost an hour, I sat in contemplation of how my life has progressed over the past 12 months and how things might have been had things not have unfolded the way they did.

           I have dreaded the month of April for an entire year now. It hasn’t hung as heavy upon me recently as it once did, but the idea of a year passing has gently pressed on my mind on good days, & pervasively stolen my concentration on bad ones. While sitting in the darkened sanctuary this morning, thoughts regarding “what might have been” leaked into my mind in the softest way possible at first, but before I knew it, I could think of nothing else. 

[I’ve mentioned it before, but this tends to be how thoughts sneak up on me.]

            Back in June, I was reading “Bittersweet” by Shauna Niequist and was struck by the truth that time was passing like it always does, yet my circumstances were drastically changing. I was crippled by an inability to fix things or slow life down, and I wrote this blog post. In that moment, I dreaded the following year more than I’ve dreaded anything. The proceeding months after that post brought a slow wave of peace into my heart, & until this morning, I genuinely thought I wouldn’t think of it again.

            But this morning I did. As I confronted the beauty that has unfolded in the recent months, I became instantly overcome by thankfulness that things did not happen like they might have last April. Sacrifices that I could have [& was willing] to make don’t need to be made. Compromises that I could have [& was willing] to make don’t need to be made. I am so very thankful for the opportunity I was given to start new. It’s a new year, and I am thankful for it. 

Changing seasons

Despite my lack of blogging about it, I am

indeed still trying to keep up with being intentionally thankful. 

It's been good for me. I've realized that as the seasons change, 

I am surprised to be confronted by things that 

I thought might be left in the past. Matters of the heart are tricky 

like that. Sometimes I think they're gone, but if I stand still 

long enough, they catch up to me. But I'm learning to allow them to catch me, 

as opposed to staying busy just for the sake of not allowing any of them 

the chance to look me in the eye.

& when I look at them head on, they don't seem so big anymore.

I am thankful that the changing of the seasons allows this perspective change. 

Sweet melodies & sweeter friendship

Last night, I got to be serenaded for the fourth time

by this man: 

As usual, his voice sounded even lovelier in person than it does on his albums. 

Don't believe me? Listen here: 

Or perhaps here:

But as lovely as his voice was [& always is]

the night was made even more lovely in the company of 

a friend who I have known for exactly one year. 

When I toured Belmont a year ago yesterday, I had no idea

that a girl sitting at my table would become one of my best friends 

in the program & we would be celebrating our friend-iversary listening

to one of my favorite artists. I was and am very thankful for friendships like this.

Thankfulness, continued

This week, little airplane got a new look.

I'm still tweaking it a bit, but change is fun.

Also, this week I was thankful for these things:

Cancelled 7 AM classes & undeserved quiz grades,

Early morning bike rides & pumpkin smoothies,

Stories of adoption that give me hope & a vision of paternal love, 

Warm coffee shops that inspire productivity & dinners with old friends.

metamorphosis.

I listened to a podcast tonight on trusting God, by Jerry Bridges.
He describes a moth breaking out of a cocoon as a metaphor for experiencing adversity:

A moth struggles, as it goes through the metamorphosis process,

to break free from the cocoon it has lived in for a time.

As someone watches, he decides to lift the moth

and cut open the cocoon so as to spare the creature from

the tiresome struggle of ripping through the fibrous enclosure.

He does not understand that this is a God-ordained struggle

with a purpose behind it. 

The moth emerges easily from the cocoon, 

free of the struggle, but doomed never to fly. 

You see, it's it's the struggle that allows the caterpillar to become a moth.

As the moth works toward breaking through the pouch it sits in,

it's body physiologically responds, allowing the correct enzymes 

to be produced & circulating, as well as the strength to be built to use its wings. 

It is impossible for that moth to fly apart from the struggle to break from the cocoon.

Today I am thankful for this: 

No struggle is purposeless. 

Rain.

This morning, 2 classmates & I went on a walk through the woods

around a beautiful lake here in Nashville. The high temperature reached 

75 degrees. Everything about the experience was exactly what I needed:

sunshine on my face, conversation with good friends, & fresh air. 

It's only been several hours & the sky outside my window is dark 

& I can see bursts of lightning & hear claps of thunder. 

It's hard to believe that just this morning, I was walking outside in the warm sunshine. 

As I sit here in my room, I can't help but think that this is similar

to what's gone on in my heart lately. In the "sunshine" I feel satisfied,

happy, & at peace with the unraveling of each day. But in those dark moments,

my reality is the storm, & no matter how close the two experiences are to one another,

I can't think of anything but the realization that there is so much more healing needed in my heart.

I hate that these moments are mixed in so closely with 75 degree sunshine moments. 

It doesn't seem fair that the two should ever meet. 

But the great thing about these storms is they are sporadic. Days with sunshine

here greatly exceed days without. & I am finally beginning to experience the 

same in my heart. Even in the midst of a season painted with sorrow & uncertainty,

the sunshine prevails. It feels good. 

Today, I am thankful for these storms. They exist to put me in a place of

desperation before my God, & I don't want to ever lose that-even in the sunshine. 

30 days of thanks-giving

Last year I decided to spend the month of November

reflecting daily on at least one thing I was thankful for. The

motivation behind this idea was my own cynicism & a particularly

long season of apathy that I just couldn't seem to get out of. 

The experience of focusing on not what I wanted, but what I had been given

was extremely fruitful, & it became a testament to the transforming power

of gratefulness- a lesson I am still learning even a year later.

So here it goes: 

November 1: Yesterday I was thankful for meaningful

roommate conversations. I know I've said this before, 

but I have won the roommate lottery the past several

years, & this one is no different. I am lucky to be able to 

be encouraged, honest, & supported by any friend, but one

that lives in your own house is a great thing. 

November 2: This morning, I am thankful for 

words like this:  

"Be at rest once more,  O my soul, for the Lord has been good to me."

[Psalm  116:7]

Reading that this morning was a good reminder that

I am deeply loved & cared for. 

travel.

Nov.8- Tuesday I was thankful for a home cooked meal.
[that I did not make] While I love cooking, I worked so much
this week that the last thing I wanted to do was come home
and find something to make for dinner. Mickey had a crock pot
of his dad's chili recipe and sweet cornbread made that
her shared with me. So good.

I was thankful for being extremely financially blessed this year.

 I feel very privileged in general, but this year, in particular,

 has left me feeling very thankful for the jobs I have. 

In a time when good jobs are hard to come by, 

I consider myself lucky to work where I do.-Nov 9 

Nov. 10

Today I am thankful for productivity. I have a significant chunk of homework

 to complete this weekend, and as I leave for Nashville this afternoon, I

am pleasantly surprised to find the pockets of time  that come out of nowhere

which enable me to get done what I need.

Speaking of Nashville- I'm leaving tonight! I'm attending a preview day for the doctorate

program of Occupational Therapy at Belmont! 

I'm super excited to get away and hopefully get some clarity on a 

place I might be calling home for the next three years. [I'm hoping to run into Taylor Swift]

Happy Birthday.

Nov. 4: I had the opportunity to get together with many of the senior women in navs for dinner and processing through what we've learned in college. It was an unexpected blessing because I was able to hang out with a lot of the girls who I don't know super well in the class below me.

2 fun things happened Saturday that I am thankful for-  Nov. 5

1. I got trained to play with ponies  for the morning. 

I'm going to be working with a OT certified in

hippotherapy. So fun. I am very thankful

for smart people who realized horses are therapeutic,

as well as the opportunity to get my hands [and boots] dirty to help. 

2. I am thankful for Kelsey. 

Mickey and I headed to Boulder to celebrate her 23rd birthday.

 [this picture is from Nassau, Bahamas]

Kelsey is one of my best friends and all around favorite people. 

I am THANKFUL for her. 

Nov 6: Today I am thankful for sunshine. It's a nice break from the snow and cold. 

Thanks.

I've been thinking a lot about my occasional inability to look on the bright side. 

I really dislike the fact that I am often overly critical and sometimes downright cynical. 

In the spirit of Thanksgiving at the end of this month, I've decided I'm going

to document 24 reasons why I am thankful. [one for each day].

This is not something entirely new. In the past, I've tried to sit down once a week and

list 10 things I'm thankful for, but I thought this would be

a good way to discipline myself, and honestly consider how privileged I am. 

This isn't to say each day's topic will be profound or elaborated upon, but rather

a chance to celebrate good things. 

Nov. 1 - I am thankful for warm coffee shops like Everyday's Joe's. It makes my studying bearable. 

I am thankful for snow. [what?!] Yep, I really do know I'll miss it someday. -Nov 2

Nov. 3

Today, I am thankful for this: 

Kara is, hands-down, the best pen pal ever. Her card-just to say hello- made me very thankful for her today. In case you're reading, you're getting something back in the mail. 

Thursday Thankfulness. Again.

I'm forcing myself to do this today because honestly I am not having a great day. I'm in one of those moods where I allow myself to be consumed by anxiety or stress to the point where I feel like pessimism is the easiest way to be.

[it's not.]

However, if I do one thing today that is productive, I want to it be finding ten things that I am thankful for. So here they are:

one. Breakfast date with Mickey.
[My favorite part of the week]
two. New shampoo.
three. Puppy-sitting.
four. Payday tomorrow.
five. Finishing my senior thesis. HA-LE-LU-IA.
six. Finishing my senior thesis.
[not a cop-out. I am that thankful.]
seven. Finishing a journal and starting another.
eight. Sunshine
nine. Rearranging my room.
ten. David. Studied him this week and he taught me a lot.