Every once in a while, I experience an epiphany
that I've already had before. They are the same thoughts twice, & the only
difference between the two is the recognition that I have changed between the
first and second occurrences. This morning, as I sat in church, I had an
overwhelming realization that this was happening. For almost an hour, I sat in
contemplation of how my life has progressed over the past 12 months and how
things might have been had things not have unfolded the way they did.
I have dreaded the month of April for an entire
year now. It hasn’t hung as heavy upon me recently as it once did, but the idea
of a year passing has gently pressed on my mind on good days, & pervasively
stolen my concentration on bad ones. While sitting in the darkened sanctuary
this morning, thoughts regarding “what might have been” leaked into my mind in
the softest way possible at first, but before I knew it, I could think of
nothing else.
[I’ve mentioned it before, but this tends to be how thoughts sneak up on me.]
Back in June, I was reading
“Bittersweet” by Shauna Niequist and was struck by the truth that time was
passing like it always does, yet my circumstances were drastically changing. I
was crippled by an inability to fix things or slow life down, and I wrote this blog post. In that
moment, I dreaded the following year more than I’ve dreaded anything. The
proceeding months after that post brought a slow wave of peace into my heart,
& until this morning, I genuinely thought I wouldn’t think of it again.
But this morning I did. As I
confronted the beauty that has unfolded in the recent months, I became
instantly overcome by thankfulness that things did not happen like they might
have last April. Sacrifices that I could have [& was willing] to make don’t
need to be made. Compromises that I could have [& was willing] to make don’t
need to be made. I am so very thankful for the opportunity I was given to start
new. It’s a new year, and I am thankful for it.
