What might have been.

Yesterday all I could think about was what might have been.

It was an unseasonably hot day that I spent

like I've spent the recent days before. I worked, 

exercised, chatted with my roommate, & watched a movie. 

Yesterday also marked the birthday of the person 

who I shared the last 3 years with. Now, I've

never been the biggest birthday celebrator in the first place, 

but there was something about the first shared experience

since everything changed that made me unable to function normally. 

I'm learning that when something major happens- a death, a diagnosis, a break up-

you can't help but stop & notice the calendar markings that pass

since the day your life changed. You're aware of the 

first month, the first Christmas, & the first anniversary without

whoever or whatever you no longer have. 

Yes, the insignificant days in between can be sometimes difficult,

but its the significant ones that make you painfully aware of

whatever memory ties you to that day. It's days like yesterday when
the thoughts in my head of what might have been are deafening.

But it gets easier. The first birthday turns into the
second & time does indeed heal wounds. But
I'm also realizing that for a moment, on some days,
it's okay if things are not okay.

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