The moments when I have my deepest, most contemplative
thoughts always seem to hit me in unexpected places. I've had epiphanies
in grocery stores before that appear so swiftly that I lose track
of what I'm doing & walk out without a single item. Twice, I've
frantically pulled my car over to scribble a thought onto
whatever I could find because I didn't want to risk losing it on the drive home.
My most recent moment like this happened in an empty mattress
store this weekend as I helped my roommate look for a new bed.
In the middle of a conversation with the sweet saleswoman who
was helping us, I sat on a pillow-top, out-of-our-price-range, mattress
& thought,
"Your life probably isn't going to happen the way you're planning it to."
All of a sudden, I couldn't shake the feeling that I
had control over nothing more than what I did in that very moment.
I felt powerless & slightly un-hopeful. But the idea consumed me.
For anyone who knows me, I am fairly stubborn. I want to set goals & achieve them.
I want to work hard enough for whatever it is that I want to get to. It was
sobering in that moment to realize that while I can do my best to put myself
in a position to get where I want to go, I am ultimately at the mercy of each
moment. I hate to not be in control, & while I have pondered what surrender
looks like, I don't think it clicked until that moment that I am designed for now.
I came home & read this:
"You can find me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from
my Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you!
Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly & delving into its depths."
-Jesus Calling
I needed that. I'm thankful for moments like that in empty
mattress stores.
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