Thoughts on fire.

I remember being younger & answering the question

"If you had to save any items as your house

was burning down, what would you save?" 

Yesterday, I faced this question with alarming reality.
Within hours of hearing of a small fire somewhat near our home,
2 police officers knocked on our door & told us to take what
we could not lose & find a safer place to stay. Within hours,
high schools became shelters, ash was falling from the sky,
& thousands of people left their homes, wondering when
they'd return & what will have changed by then.

It's a terrifyingly beautiful thing, watching the smoke billow

over the hills that I have hiked so many times, &

seeing the embers glow in the nighttime. I have this

strange feeling of helplessness, yet am in complete

awe of the power that is displayed in a wild fire. 

Being thankful & prayerful today is all that can be done.

My family is safe, my friends are safe, & that's all I can ask for.

Our house hasn't been touched yet, & we're hoping for the best.

For more information on the fire, this website

constantly updates the fire spread & evacuation. 

What might have been.

Yesterday all I could think about was what might have been.

It was an unseasonably hot day that I spent

like I've spent the recent days before. I worked, 

exercised, chatted with my roommate, & watched a movie. 

Yesterday also marked the birthday of the person 

who I shared the last 3 years with. Now, I've

never been the biggest birthday celebrator in the first place, 

but there was something about the first shared experience

since everything changed that made me unable to function normally. 

I'm learning that when something major happens- a death, a diagnosis, a break up-

you can't help but stop & notice the calendar markings that pass

since the day your life changed. You're aware of the 

first month, the first Christmas, & the first anniversary without

whoever or whatever you no longer have. 

Yes, the insignificant days in between can be sometimes difficult,

but its the significant ones that make you painfully aware of

whatever memory ties you to that day. It's days like yesterday when
the thoughts in my head of what might have been are deafening.

But it gets easier. The first birthday turns into the
second & time does indeed heal wounds. But
I'm also realizing that for a moment, on some days,
it's okay if things are not okay.

source

Thin Times.

The ancient Celts had a term they used to describe places where individuals found themselves inspired, eternally connected, and impossibly close to heaven, while here on earth. These places, called "thin places," are often sacred ones, but they need not be. In fact, a thin place for one person can be a remarkably lifeless place for another. The only criteria which makes a place thin is the peculiar emotional and spiritual freedom that it evokes in a person. It is a place which allows us to unclench our grip of control on our lives & breathe in the presence of God. In thin places, His presence is palpable. 

I first heard of thin places in a book I'm currently reading. If I sit down & think of where  I've felt closest to God- not spiritually close, but tangibly reach-out-and-touch-him-close- I can think of a handful of places where I've felt transformed. Eagle Lake Camp is one of them. It might have something to do with the physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, & emotional depletion I experienced there, but with all of these things removed, I still think there's something magically thin about this property. In addition, I've experienced thin places in coffee shops, airports, and mountain tops. 

This idea of thin places got me thinking less about the places & more of the times, seasons of life & moments in time that felt thin. If there is such a thing as thin places, there must be such a thing as a "thin time." My current season of life is one filled with opportunity. Choosing to move for school is one of the most conscious decisions I've ever made. Up until now I've simply followed the next step that comes naturally. I have what feels like an infinite number of options for what's next in my life, & I am leaving & have left so much of my heart behind. But what's been most remarkable in this season of life is the closeness I feel with God. I know it's fairly common for people to find God in the broken seasons, the moments of despair & fear, but I've never felt it to this degree. There's something beautifully unmasking in "thin times." Just like those places that make you momentarily transcend the gap between heaven & earth, I am finding that times of unwanted growth & pain to reveal something within our design- our most genuine selves. It's a good thing.   

Bittersweet.

"When life is sweet, say 'thank you,' and celebrate.

When life is bitter, say 'thank you,' and grow."

-Shauna Niequist from Bittersweet: Thoughts on

Grace, Change, & Learning the Hard way.

I was made for sunny days.

We've had a lot of rain recently. 

It's had this song in my head for days.

Words

I thought this was worth sharing. I've had the chance to

talk to a lot of women lately about dating/marriage/& being single.

At the Love & Respect conference I attended this past weekend,

I gained a lot of insight as to what marriage should look like. 

[This ministry is great, by the way.] One of the things that resonated 

most strongly for me was what Emerson said about growth & having

your heart changed. He said, "Don't focus so much on what you

want the other person to be hearing or learning that you miss out

on what God is trying to have you hear or learn." I've

realized that this is exactly what I've been doing. I pray so 

much for God to speak to him; to grow his heart closer

to His. All the while I miss out on my own potential for change.

There's nothing wrong with praying for another person, but I

have to trust that God has the power to get through anyone's heart.

Including my own. 

Who is God? [Part 5]

source

It's been 35 days since I started seeking to understand God's character.

It's been really neat to see the themes that have come up so far.

If you've missed any of the previous posts, I think they'll

be linked at the bottom. 

He is my help. [Heb. 13]

He is the Lord of peace. [2 Thess. 3]

He is my shield. [Psalm 18]

He is my refuge & strength. [Psalm 46]

He is patient. [2 Peter 3]

He is love. [1 John 4]

This past week was spent in

a bit of self reflection; that's probably the coolest part of this

quest so far: the more I learn about God, the more I learn about myself.

Whole 30 update:

The first 2 or 3 days of this diet were hard. Hard enough that I dreamed the first night that I stuffed my face with tiramisu & felt incredibly guilty afterward. That was just the start. I've never had the biggest sweet tooth, but there were a handful of times when I envisioned myself face-first in a pool of vanilla frosting-it was bad. Slowly, my cravings for all things sugary and grainy started to fade. Another side affect of this diet was my elevated hunger.The first 3 days I was starving. I ate probably twice as much as I do on a normal day & still felt hungry when I went to bed. By day 5, I somewhat regulated my intake, but I still feel like I'm eating more than usual. On this diet, that is  fairly normal. The best thing to happen so far is the fact that it's been 7 days and I

have not had a single stomach ache. So far, so good.

Belmont.

Make a decision on where to go to school: check.

Find roommates & a place to live: check.

Get the T-shirt to prove it: check.

Next step: move to Nashville.

Days like these

It's days like today, 

where everything in my environment reminds me. 

Rainy weather,

songs on the radio,

walks around my neighborhood,

television shows,

dreams,

conversations with friends, 

pictures I haven't yet taken down.

Most days I am busy enough to not

be distracted by my thoughts of what

is happening & what is to happen in

my life, but today, I was not. Everything

around me today pointed to a relationship that I

no longer have, 

desires that may never come to be, 

& a season of my life that is over. 

The strangest thing about this day is 

for the first time, I wasn't sad. 

My first thought was not to have 

my circumstances changed, but 

rather to recognize a change that 

has happened in me- that is happening in me.

It's country Sunday, but this song

has been on repeat. 

Whole 30

Starting today, I am on a 30 day, 

or possibly longer, metabolism-

restart diet called Whole30.

Here's a little bit about it: 

Who: This is for anyone who wants to experience cleaner eating. It is particularly good for people who have experienced chronic digestional problems & want to heal from whatever their current diet may be provoking.

What: Cut out all the inflammatory, insulin-spiking, calorie-dense but nutritionally sparse food groups from your diet. Certain foods, even those deemed "healthy," can have a negative impact on your body. Instead, eat foods with few ingredients, which naturally balance your digestion & leave you feeling healthier. There are several things that cannot be eaten at this time, which can be found here.

When: This diet is designed for 30 days, but the benefits have been said to influence how one views food, eating, and long-term health. 

Why: I personally have dealt with food allergies, chronic stomach pain, and all-around digestional problems as long as I can remember. I have done elimination diets, taken supplements, and made tums & pepto bismol part of my daily regimen. I love good food, and have always been nutritionally minded, but I hate the idea of mindless eating. There are thousands of people who have taken this diet seriously & experienced extremely effective results. People have found relief from a range of problems like: acne to weight loss, Crohn's disease to skin disorders. I am a firm believer in holistic healing, and I cannot deny the impact that the foods we eat has on our whole lives. For more testimonials, check this out. 

So there you have it. I'll be sure to track my progress & do an update at the end of the month.