Thursday Thankfulness// 7.25

Thankfulness lately looks like this:

1. Provision in the form of a new job: Here's to paying the bills a little easier. 

2. Lessons on patience from these guys:

3. Fresh popsicles that melt in the sun.

4. Phone calls with old friends. 

5. Trips home that leave my heart full. 

6. Tough decisions that leave me humbled [in the best way possible]

7. Promises of a hopeful future. 

8. Summer bucket list accomplishments.

9. Whole foods dates with people I love. 

10. Reminders of home.

Fear.

I've always liked to think I was a risk taker. I've always liked to think I was independent, brave, & adventure-seeking. But the truth is, I am not- at least by nature. For as long as I can remember, I have filled my life with interests & activities that would suggest I am this way. I enjoy the outdoors, I love travelling, & I have been known to pursue lofty goals which might ultimately lead to failure. Yet, as much as I'd like to believe I am a "go with the flow & let's see what happens" kind of girl, I am just about as spontaneous as the sunrise; I am both predictable & calculated in almost every decision I ever make. I really have come to terms with this part of my personality, & when given the chance, I attempt to challenge myself through appreciating & practicing flexibility.

Despite my desire to trust a little more, & worry a little less, I am seemingly
paralyzed at times by the unknown. Whether it look like anxiety, complacency, or isolation, I have frequently allowed fear to take an authoritative role in my life. 

The past few days have made me acutely aware of how fear influences my daily

decision-making & ultimately leads to diminished joy in almost everything I do.

As I sat down this week to bring my fears to light, I realized that 

they outnumbered the goals I had in my mind. This is a problem.

I've found that when fear dictates your thought process, simple choices become agonizing, & 

complicated ones become downright unapproachable. 

 That's what fear does, it magnifies the little things until suddenly

everything is a big deal.  But the truth is, 

It's usually not that serious. 

So today, I'm learning to confront my fears.  If I believe that fear is a choice, then

renouncing it is also a choice. 

I dare you to confront a fear today. Here's to being brave. 

***

Learning to wait.

It's funny that I've been having such a hard time feeling inspired lately. 

For the first time in a while, I got into bed early, hoping to get a full night 

of sleep, but before I knew it 

1. I had this song stuck in my head & 

2. I suddenly felt inspired. 

[Not sure if there is causation there, but it happened.]

One of the things I've been thinking about for a while now is what it looks like to wait. 

I've written about it recently, but I've noticed my impatience more & more as I've watched 

my heart change over the past year. It seems I'm always waiting for something. 

A year ago, I was waiting to move- in so many aspects of my life:

 physically, emotionally, & spiritually. 

I experienced all of those things in the course of a year. It was all so hard, but so good. 

But now, as I've settled  in many senses of the word, I find myself again waiting.
Or at least it feels like waiting.

I'm waiting for a handful of things, from where I'll be placed next May
to where relationships are going that seem to be moving at a snail's pace.
But the truth is, I'm not so much waiting as I am worrying.
Amidst it all, I feel like I'm waiting for myself to be patient & to just be still.
It seems like such a strange way to put it- that I'm waiting for myself to be patient,
but that's what it seems I'm doing lately.  

Sometimes I feel like I don't even give my prayers & desires a chance to be answered.
I never get to experience the true feeling of waiting, because I don't sit still long enough
to expect answers to come. I either talk myself out of it, or work full-force toward accomplishing
things myself. Neither of these things tend to end well for me.
Instead of patient expectance, I'm left with the disappointment of my own failed
manipulation, or the frustration that I never got to see the answer
because I simply didn't give it the time to get there.

Today, I'm learning to wait. I'm learning to be patient. I'm learning that the things that
are worth it take time, & the process of accepting things as they come is
often more rewarding than the results themselves.

Prayers That Have Changed Me [2]

I am just pages away from finishing my most recent journal. I love the closure that writing on that last page brings & I also love the excitement of starting new in a blank book. Today, both of those things feel pretty good. As I flipped through an old journal today, I came across a Psalm I had written down as a prayer on today's date, one year ago. I didn't realize it then, but I coincidently read the same chapter this morning. It's pretty neat how things work like that. 

"I'm more certain than ever that prayer is at the heart of transformation. I'm also certain that God's will has a lot more to do with inviting us to become more than we previously have been than about getting us to one very specific destination." 

-Shauna Niequist in Bittersweet