Friday, May 10, 2013

Restless

rest·less--

        Marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest.
----

I'll blame the rain that has been falling incessantly on Colorado since I arrived last night. I can count on one hand the memories I have of it ever being this rainy here. Something about the rain almost always leaves me contemplative & downright lost in thought at times. 
Or maybe I'll blame the book I'm reading [Into the Wild]. Something about a good, tragic story
 always leaves me reflective & again, lost in thought sometimes. It seems
these days all I've done is read books that leave me emotionally exhausted.
[I'm ready to move on to this & this.]

But if I'm honest, I know that neither of these things can be held accountable for the constant state of my restless soul. It is no new occurrence that I've found my heart wandering, & there are no recent happenings to blame for the fidgety feelings I've been having lately. I've always been a little bit fickle & unsettled, & frankly, I haven't a clue what to do with myself when given the chance to rest.

I've counted three times this week that different people have told me to rest. Those three times sit atop countless other times throughout my life when I've been told the same thing. It seems I
haven't yet mastered the dimmer switch for my productivity. I'm either on & burning
the candle at both ends or off & virtually crippled by indecision & lack of direction.
I've spent entirely too much time wishing for what's next & then standing on the
other side attempting to revel in the past that I missed out on in my efforts to move forward.

It's not surprising to me that, when I really think about it, all of this comes back to
the fact that I am impatient. I love & also hate that this lesson has been following me
for over a year now. But that's how lessons are. They just keep following you until you get it.

So here's to resting this week.
 Here's to old friends, a family that loves me, & the town I called home for 18 years.
Here's to enjoying the adventures without the fear of missing out elsewhere.
Here's to patience & trust that I'm where I'm supposed to be. 

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