Strengths Finder

The past few weeks have been spent galavanting across the country between Colorado & Florida. It's been great, but I am happy to admit that it feels good to be back in Nashville. I've already spent an afternoon on my favorite porch in the company of good friends & I am excited for the prospects that this summer will bring in this city that I am growing to love. While I haven't done much of anything productive in my last few weeks on break from school, I completed my first assignment for my management & leadership class this summer. I took the strengths finder  to determine how we will work in groups for the collaborate assignments we will complete in school. Those who know me know that anything that seeks to decode the intricacies of human behavior, interaction, & functioning is very interesting to me, so I loved every minute of it. 

Between Myers-Briggs, love languages, and this strengths finder,

[all of which I looked at this week]

I'd say I've had a decent amount of time to reflect on who I am & who my friends are. 

I love it. It almost freaked me out how spot on it was.

Here's my top profile: 

Input

 Chances are good that you absorb all sorts of information from books, publications, or other written

materials. You display a voracious — that is, never fully satisfied — appetite for knowledge. You

devour the written word to savor useful facts. For you, a great day is one during which you have

added new insights to your mind’s storehouse of ideas. Driven by your talents, you acquire lots of new

words from your reading. Examining how each one is used in various sentences probably helps you

grasp multiple meanings. When the definition eludes you, you are apt to turn to the dictionary for

clarification. Your passion for the written word is not reserved for entertainment. You probably are as

eager to dive into complicated, technical, or subject-specific texts as you are to pick up best-selling

books or popular publications. It’s very likely that you simply cannot have too much information. It is

impossible. Like a miner searches for gold day after day, you continually collect new bits of

knowledge. Depending on your other talents, you can delve into one or two interesting topics, or you

can opt to know a little about a wide range of subjects. Your longing for knowledge is unlikely to be

satisfied until you are recognized by others as the ultimate expert in a field or the grand champion of

trivia. Instinctively, you find it easier to befriend people when they tell you what they want to

accomplish. Knowing that much, you probably read books, journals, newspapers, correspondence, or

Internet sites to broaden your knowledge about their interests. When you can share information that

helps people move closer to their goals, you understand each other better. By nature, you fill your

mind with new ideas by asking questions, reading, studying, observing, or listening. Normally, you

accumulate facts, data, stories, examples, or background information from the people you meet.

Determining what they want to accomplish in the coming weeks, months, or years generally satisfies

your curiosity. These insights also allow you to understand why individuals behave they way they do

in different situations.

2. Intellection
3. Empathy
4. Learner
5. Ideation

Blog lovin'

Well, it was only a matter of time before I decided to connect this little page to the world of other people who also have the same hobby of writing their thoughts for the world to see.
[I have no idea what I'm doing...] But you can follow me here:

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

The rebirth of a vision

Back in August, I wrote this. To date, that entry was one of the hardest I've ever written.

Not only was the actual writing part hard for me, but realizing that something

I knew God had given me was left to die just plain hurt.  Writing that post was humbling at best, & even as I allowed the words to be typed by my fingers, I refused to fully believe that what I was writing was true. Looking back now, I think I was just too stubborn to admit that the plan I was constructing for my life might not have been the best, right one. I remember telling my friend about a vision I had regarding my future. He said, "The only way to know that a prophecy is true is if it comes to be. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you'll make yourself crazy unless you fully surrender it & be patient."I didn't realize it then, but that was the beginning of a long, tiresome battle of learning to wait. I'm fairly certain it's a lesson I'll be learning most of my life. 

Despite the wisdom I was receiving at the time, I wrote that blog post, but simultaneously kept my heart hardened. It did feel good to admit, in some sense, that I had been wrong, kind of how it ultimately feels good to apologize & tell someone that you're sorry. It's a painful kind of good, the relief you feel once you recognize that you aren't in control. However, I think I held onto hope that ultimately my plan, my vision, my idea of my future would prevail. 

That blog post inspired conversation with a few different people. 

I received emails, texts, and a couple messages about how I was not alone in the process 

of realizing that sometimes, visions just die. I was told stories of heartbreak & triumph, 

the birth of passions, & the dissolving of dreams. Suddenly, my

struggle to surrender to a bigger plan didn't leave me feeling so alone. Again, this was

the beginning of a much bigger lesson I'd take with me for the next season of life. 

For the first time, I realized that people actually read this thing. 

That was both exciting & terrifying to know.

Sometime between August and now, I finally surrendered that vision. 

I realized that there is a season for everything in life & a time for all things. 

But as I sat at a coffee shop Thursday morning, I realized that the entirety of the plan

I had for myself wasn't untrue at all. Sure, the details of where I thought I'd be on this day

are much different than I envisioned them when I first gained that glimpse of my future. 

But Thursday, I saw the redemption of the heart of that vision: that my future was promising

& exciting & so different from what I originally thought, but so equally beautiful.

 There was life to be found in that old vision, albeit the details had changed.
It was a beautiful realization to see all of that come full circle. 

It was like I was realizing, for the first time that death is never permanent. 

It always give birth to new life. Life always wins. 

Surprise

I needed to hear this today. Maybe you do, too.

"He was always outstripping his mercies with his own newly invented needs. His very power of enjoyment destroyed half of his joys.  By asking for pleasure, he lost the chief pleasure;

 for the chief pleasure is surprise. 

Hence, it became evident that if a man would make his world large, he must be always making himself small. Even the haughty visions, the tall cities, and the toppling pinnacles are the creations of humility. Giants that tread down forests like grass are the creations of humility. Towers that vanish upwards above the loneliest start the creations of humility. For towers are not tall unless we look up at them; and giants are not giants unless they are larger than we. All this gigantesque imagination, which is, perhaps, the mightiest of the pleasures of man, is at the bottom entirely humble. It is impossible without humility to enjoy anything- even pride."
-G.K. Chesterton, in Orthodoxy
["The Suicide of Thought"]

Restless

rest·less--

        Marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest.

----

I'll blame the rain that has been falling incessantly on Colorado since I arrived last night. I can count on one hand the memories I have of it ever being this rainy here. Something about the rain almost always leaves me contemplative & downright lost in thought at times. 

Or maybe I'll blame the book I'm reading [Into the Wild]. Something about a good, tragic story
 always leaves me reflective & again, lost in thought sometimes. It seems

these days all I've done is read books that leave me emotionally exhausted.

[I'm ready to move on to this & this.]

But if I'm honest, I know that neither of these things can be held accountable for the constant state of my restless soul. It is no new occurrence that I've found my heart wandering, & there are no recent happenings to blame for the fidgety feelings I've been having lately. I've always been a little bit fickle & unsettled, & frankly, I haven't a clue what to do with myself when given the chance to rest.

I've counted three times this week that different people have told me to rest. Those three times sit atop countless other times throughout my life when I've been told the same thing. It seems I
haven't yet mastered the dimmer switch for my productivity. I'm either on & burning
the candle at both ends or off & virtually crippled by indecision & lack of direction.
I've spent entirely too much time wishing for what's next & then standing on the
other side attempting to revel in the past that I missed out on in my efforts to move forward.

It's not surprising to me that, when I really think about it, all of this comes back to
the fact that I am impatient. I love & also hate that this lesson has been following me
for over a year now. But that's how lessons are. They just keep following you until you get it.

So here's to resting this week.
 Here's to old friends, a family that loves me, & the town I called home for 18 years.
Here's to enjoying the adventures without the fear of missing out elsewhere.
Here's to patience & trust that I'm where I'm supposed to be. 

Letters.

"If it is right, it happens-- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." 
John Steinbeck

Most people who know me know that reading is one of my most

very favorite things to do.  I just love the way that a good author can put 

words together in such a way that it can move me so deeply. 

Following closely to my love for books is my love for letters, notes, 

& all things hand-written. When the two meet, it's almost too much. 

My most recent amazon purchase is this: 

My purchase was a rather hasty one, after stumbling across this letter this morning. 

But I'm positive it was a good one. Read it, you'll see why. 

The Non-Competition Curse

Recently, I read a quote by Donald Miller that got me thinking. He said,

"I'm noticing that my less competitive friends accomplish so much less than I do & are so much more content."

----

I thought about these words frequently during the past 2 weeks as I finished projects, typed papers, studied all night for exams, and prepared to finish my second semester of graduate school. In the world of academia, I often struggle to separate myself from the rat race that is academic success. In my heart of hearts, I desire learning over grades, but the system doesn't function that way & I fall into the trap semester after semester despite knowing that it isn't right. It seems like everything about how the world works points to a fundamental truth that success comes to those who work hard enough. The harder we work, the more we gain, & those who get to the top get there through dedication & effort. Basically, if you have enough desire, you'll fight hard enough, & if you fight hard enough, you'll win. 

 I've also thought about that quote in regard to other aspects of my life. Apart from academia, I've always been a little bit frustrated by my lack of competitive spirit. I've often felt torn between this idea of working hard for what I want, yet being patient & allowing myself to receive what God has for me. When I look at my life, I see seasons of passivity sprinkled with dedication which turned into an obsession to get what I wanted. I've learned the hard way that accomplishing things in my own time leads to more destruction than success. Manipulation is a corrosive trait, & the fight for control is one that I have battled most of my life.  Surrender is such a simple word, but such a difficult concept to grasp. 

It all makes me wonder. How hard do you work for what you want? For academic success? For relational success? Is it okay to not want to fight for something that isn't yours to fight for? I fully believe that God has the ability to transform & awaken my desires. I've watched him do it in my life. But I've found that the most receptive position to receive is with an open hand. & competition, in the right contexts, can look a whole lot like a closed one. It makes me think that Donald Miller

might have had something when he equated contentment to freedom from competition.