I've been re-reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning.
If you've never read it, I highly suggest doing so.
In the first chapter, Manning describes a generation marked
by an inability to grasp the gospel of grace. He describes a pattern
of behavior that is common to believers in which we first attempt
to work our way toward closeness with God, & then upon failing to
succeed, confront the painful truth of our inadequacy before a perfect creator.
Once the zeal of attempting to add to our spiritual stature passes, weakness &
failure appear. Manning describes a "winter of discontent that eventually
flowers into gloom, pessimism, & a subtle despair: subtle because it goes
unrecognized, unnoticed, & therefore unchallenged."
[Did I mention that Brennan Manning
has a way with words that is captivating?
Because he does]
All of this talk about works-based spirituality has really got me thinking.
I am a being driven by performance. Just about everything in my life has
happened as a result of the effort put into whatever outcome was desired.
I am often enslaved by good intentions, over-commitment, &
an obsession with success. Ultimately, I've watched it ruin me at times & more
recently, I have watched it steal from people I love.
It's a difficult thing, finding the balance between practicing discipline & disregarding grace.
I worry sometimes that people I truly care about or myself will fall victim
to a life characterized by a "performace addiction:" always seeking the next bigger & better
thing to come our way. When the result is unfullfilling, which it chronically will be,
the result, or "winter of discontent" which Manning describes is even more frightening,
in my opinion, than the symptoms which get us there. I think I'm finally
understanding the warning that many college grads gave me over & over while
I was in college. Life really does change once you finish. It is so easily
to fall into a subtle pattern of apathy which grows slowly but
persistently into who we become.
It really is true that you will become what you are becoming.
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