Beauty in the Ugly.

       

When I was in high school, I got really into listening to Sufjan Stevens. 

His song, "John Wayne Gacy Jr." always haunted me a little bit, but for some reason, 

I was strangely struck by its beauty. I guess I appreciated Sufjan's literary approach & bravery in writing about such a monstrous human being, & I guess I appreciated the overlap of two of my

loves: music & learning. I was taking abnormal psychology at the local university at the time. 

I remember learning about John Wayne Gacy Jr. in class, & then listening to this song on the way home- each time attempting to understand why a story so ugly could sound so beautiful to my ears.

       Much like everyone else, I spent today reading everything I could about what was happening in Boston. As the story unfolded, I felt helpless, sad, & somewhat sick thinking about everything. I hate that our world is so broken. I hate that people are so messed up that they can intentionally harm each other. I hate that I don't understand it. As I headed to a concert with some friends, we discussed the most recent unfolding of events. By this point, 2 people had been killed, many were injured, 1 suspect was dead, & the other was in custody. One friend said, "I really hope they don't kill him." I agreed, realizing later that I wasn't entirely sure what he meant by it. I didn't know if he meant that this man deserved something worse than that or if he genuinely didn't want another death to result from the death that already existed. I understood & hoped for the latter.  I found myself thinking about it off & on for the rest of the show.

        Tonight, I came home to an empty apartment, & for the first time in a while, I remembered that song. I have no idea why it came up, but almost instantly, my eyes filled with tears, & the final verse repeated through my mind. At the end of the song, Sufjan literally compares himself to the man who killed 33 teenaged boys, by saying, 

"& in my best behavior, I am really just like him. 

Look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid." 

It's a pretty freaking creepy verse. 

But as I think about what has happened in Boston this week, & how I should

react, I am struck by the gravity of those words. I am by no way trying to 

condone the heinous acts of a serial killer or make light of what happened this week.

Clearly both have made a rather momentous impression on me. But it got me thinking if

I believe those words. Do I believe that sin is sin & I am capable of such horrific acts as

much as the next person? Do I believe that the same redemption that was washed me

clean is available to someone who's actions have such destructive, far-reaching effects?

Do I believe that there is beauty to be seen in the ugliest thing imaginable? 

I desperately want to believe these things. I claim to believe them in the calmness of

life, but I am really tested when I react to events like this- Events that break

my heart a little bit & expose the true me, which, I am scared to admit, sometimes

looks a lot like the things I claim to hate. I guess it's times like these that make me
thankful that I don't really have to understand much else besides the power of light to overcome
darkness. All I know is that darkness is darkness, & light has the power to overcome
all of it, if given the chance. 

-Laura