baby steps

"...& what we will be has not yet appeared..." -1 John 3:2

Today I began taking the very first steps of
healing my heart. When I say steps, I mean
baby steps. Like the tiny, wobbly,
one-step-in-front-of-the-other-and-fall-down
kind of steps. But forward motion is forward
motion and I will consider this successful.

[  I'm kind of amazed by my inability 

to go too much into detail yet-even here

on a blog that only a handful of people see.

Maybe it's because I feel like typing out the

words will make what I'm experiencing 

more real. Like if I don't write it down, it

didn't actually happen & one day I'll 

wake up & find that this has all been a 

bad dream.  ]

Step one to healing: 

Identifying who God is. I mean really identifying who he is.

Finding the truth about his character & allowing it to 

permeate my heart. 

I'm excited for what I'm going to discover in this process.

source

Emotion

Sometimes I wish I could turn off the thoughts in my head.

Lately I've been consumed by them, functioning on half hour intervals of 

distraction- Whatever it'll take to not focus on what's going through my mind.

I close my eyes to sleep & instantly my brain is flooded with

thoughts/ideas/fears/scenarios. 

I am awakened hours before I need to be up by

thoughts that I just cannot stifle. 

I hate that I'm such an internal processor. 

I hate that I'm not articulate when it comes 

to expressing what I think & feel; hurting

people in the process because they feel that I 

cannot be open with them. 

A friend & I were joking the other day about how

nice it would be to be able to take an injection 

that would suppress our ability to feel emotion.

[Equilibrium, anyone?]

Obviously this is a little extreme, but sometimes I can't help

wonder if this would grant me some relief from my constant

thoughts. & I know that emotions are good & set us apart

as a human species, but it doesn't make it easier to face

important decisions when they are constantly fluctuating. 

But what I'm clinging to today is this: 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, & forever. 

I believe it. 

Watch Your Step.

[DISCLAIMER:]

If you are easily made queasy by the sight of

wounds, you might want to move on from 

this post. 

It's not that bad, really.  

Yesterday I decided I would take a trail run at 

Horsetooth Reservoir. 

Why? Because it looks like this: 

I hopped out of my car, did some quick stretching

& proceeded to walk to the trail head where

I would be running. 

Within 30 seconds, this was my knee: 

This happened because:

 A. I have weak ankles

B. I live in a rocky terrain

C. I am rather clumsy/oblivious to said terrain

D. All of the above. 

The answer, of course, is D. I have a swollen 

ankle and two bruised palms to show for it,

but needless to say, I did not go on the run I wanted to.

Lesson of the day? Watch your step. 

Promises For Today

This season of my life might be the most difficult I've experienced. I'm starting to realize for the first

time in my life, that not all aspects of life follow the rule of work in = work out. In fact, sometimes the best of intentions, the highest amount of good will, and the most diligent efforts simply do not produce what we want them to. In a strange way, I am thankful that I cannot always anticipate or expect the changes of life that come to me. If I could, I would never learn what it feels like to trust. 

I would never experience what it feels like to believe that God has a future and a purpose for me that so far exceeds what I could design for myself that I would laugh at the thought of my own plan being sufficient. 

So today, despite feeling upset, confused, and hopeless about things I cannot control, 

I will trust. 

I am convinced that 

"The Lord himself goes before me & is with me;

he will never leave me nor forsake me.

I need not be afraid or discouraged."

Deut. 31:8

Fragrance

"Just now the lilac is in bloom, all before my little room." -Rupert Brooke

Heavy Heart & Abundant Peace

This morning was difficult.
After a series of unhappy dreams all night,
there's something increasingly
heavy in my heart. While I'm
usually good at maintaining a
fairly put-together self,
sometimes it's just too much to keep up with.

Some days are just days for a heavy heart. 
The good thing about mornings like these
are promises like this:

"You keep track of all my sorrows

You have collected all my 

tears in a bottle. You have

recorded each one in your book."

Psalm 56:8

Not only that, but I am also reminded of my 

continual gift of peace from the throne of grace.

Just as the Israelites could not store up manna

for the future, so must I choose to accept

His peace for this day. Mornings like this aren't all bad.

[it's only just 9 am. There's a

whole lot of day left.]

They remind me of my dependence on Him

and his unwavering love for me. 

Reading list

The longer I spend on this "spring break" 

the more I am learning to appreciate the 

little things that this free time has provided

opportunity for. Lately, my obsession has been

reading. Today I got to thinking about why I 

enjoy it so much. I'm not sure if it's

my love for creativity & how a 

good book can manipulate my mind,

or if it serves as a brief escape 

from the constant thoughts in my head. 

Either way, I love it and I want to consider myself lucky 

for having the freedom to read whenever I want.

2012 Reading list so far:

The Princess & The Goblin: George MacDonald

Kite Runner: Khaled Hosseini

Hunger Games: Suzanne Collins

Just After Sunset: Stephen King

Tales of Horror and Fantasy: Rudyard Kipling

House of Leaves: Mark Danielewski

Room: Emma Donoghue

Love & Respect: Emerson Eggerichs

Outliers: Malcolm Gladwell

First Things First: Stephen Covey

Love & Respect

I just ordered 2 copies of this book yesterday.

I've only heard great things about it

and after a little convincing by Beth and my parents,

I decided it was probably worth it. 

I don't think it's ever too soon

to inform yourself.

If you could alleviate some future

pain by gleaning wisdom from

those around you, why wouldn't you? 

On a similarly related note, 

I stumbled across an article in

Relevant Magazine titled, 

"You Never Marry the Right Person."

It beautifully articulates our culture's

misinterpretation of compatibility and 

lays the foundation of marriage out 

as a reflection of the gospel. 

If you get a chance, read the article.

I promise it's worth it. 

The girl.

1095 days.

A week ago today, Mickey & I 

celebrated three years of 

togetherness. 

This past year has 

been particularly 

emotional, 

exciting,

challenging,

& uncertain,

in both the details of my life, 

& also in our relationship,

but I am so thankful for

him & can't wait to see 

where we're off to next! 

Here's a quick recap of our anniversaries so far:

One: Dinner at Zengo, walking around 16th street mall, and downtown Denver

Two: Drinks/appetizers at City O'City, Denver Aquarium, dinner at Austins in Fort Collins.

Three: Scenic drive through Golden, 

[We wanted to tour the Coors factory, but it was closed.]

Stranahan's Distillery tour, and dinner at Izakaya Den. 

Recipe: homemade almond milk

As I stated in yesterday's post, 

I have been on somewhat of a health 

kick recently.

I am lactose intolerant, & have

taken a liking for milk

alternatives like coconut & almond milk.

The problems with store-bought kinds

are they run a bit expensively, and they

are often too sweet to cook with

and too flavorless to drink straight. 

My mom sent me an email
 from this blog & the results were delicious! 

I was worried that it would be labor-intensive

but it was  extremely easy. 

I found it still too sweet for my liking, so

I altered the recipe a little:

Almond Milk: 

Yields approx. 5 cups

1.5 cups whole, raw almonds

5 Cups water

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 tbs maple syrup

dash of cinnamon

[also need: blender, metal strainer, cheesecloth]

This recipe is simple: 

1. Soak the almonds completely covered by water for 12 hours.

The next morning, drain them and add to blender with 2.5 cups 

of fresh water. 

2. Blend the almond & water mixture for 1-2 minutes

until it forms a very smooth paste.

[This is when I resorted to the magic bullet. If you don't have one,

be patient with your blender.]

3. Add vanilla, maple syrup [or honey], and cinnamon. 

Pour in another 2.5 cups of water & blend for another minute, until frothy. 

Adjust sweetness.

[the key here is to blend until you could drink

the mixture now-still gritty, but mostly smooth.]

4. Strain mixture into a bowl through 

2-3 layers of cheesecloth in the strainer, 

gathering the cheesecloth and squeezing all the milk out.

5. Place into jars, bottles, or jugs and refrigerate.

6. You're left with a very fine almond meal in

the cheesecloth. You can dry this out

in a low-heat oven and use for baking. Or you can

throw it away. 

Thoughts on running

I have been on somewhat of a fitness 

kick for the past couple of weeks.

Maybe it's my extra free time, 

the Beautiful weather we've been having, 

or the fact that I'm noticing that my joints

and muscles just aren't moving like they once did. 

[what the heck? I'm only 23.]

Regardless, I had taken way 

too long of a hiatus from something that I actually 

really enjoy: running.

It's one of those things that

gets easier and easier if 

you can just commit to heading out the front door, but

despite knowing this, I still find it so easy

to quit-even after I've pushed past the 

agony & start actually enjoying it. 

All this extra time has provided me with the opportunity 

to explore this town even more. 

Today's run: a few miles north&west

up the Cache La Poudre River. 

There is beautiful open space,

green horse pastures, and the calming

sound of the moving water. 

One day at a time.

Spring is here to stay

I've really started thinking about how much
I'm going to miss Fort Collins.
Even though I've been here for 5 years
it seems like I'm still discovering
new and beautiful parts of this
city and then getting upset that I haven't
discovered them sooner.

Tree blossoms and spring

flowers are everywhere, and

while my allergies hate this time,

I don't one bit. 

Crab Apple trees in Mickey's yard.

Introducing: Tennessee

I've made my decision.

In just 4 months I will be leaving Colorado, 

the place I was born & spent most of my life,

for Tennessee.

[I'll trade mountains 

for rolling hills,

snow

for rain & greenery

and breweries galore

for sweet tea. ]

Cars and birthday celebrations

In an attempt to update this thing more often, 

I've decided to put less effort 

into each post and treat this as a way to

document happenings rather than decode them.

The latter is much more difficult for me 

to keep up with, 

despite my abundance of time this semester.

The weekend before last several 

of my closest friends headed to Denver

to celebrate all of our March birthdays. 

We went to dinner, headed to 

the best bar in Denver, and 

spent the rest of the night at a friend's house 

in Castle Rock. 

The next day we got to look at, sit in, and

pretend to be able to afford every new car 

imaginable at the Denver auto show. 

My boyfriend, lover of all things 2-wheeled, 

even got a chance to sit on some pretty ponies.